In-Law Relationships

This is a topic that I think is so important. Having positive in-law relationships that are functional and friendly can make married life easier. My spouse and I have spent many years balancing these relationships in a way that doesn't put pressure on our own marriage. It has taken time and a lot of patience, but I feel like we have found that balance. I am lucky that I love my in-laws tremendously and I am able to have a positive relationship with them as parent figures in my life, as well having them be wonderful grandparents to our children.
I think a lot of the counsel from the prophets on this topic is crucial.  President Kimball taught that husbands and wives need to maintain appropriate boundaries around the marriage. He said: “Your married life should become independent of her folks and his folks. You love them more than ever; you cherish their counsel; you appreciate their association; but you live your own lives, being governed by your decisions.” (Oneness in Marriage,” Ensign, Oct. 2002, 45.)
Quite often, I think that parents mean well when they are trying to help their newlywed children adjust to married life, but sometimes this can do more harm than good. President Kimball also said: “Well meaning relatives have broken up many a home. Numerous divorces are attributable to the interference of parents who thought they were only protecting their loved children. He also observed that sometimes parents “will not relinquish the hold they have had upon their children. Wise parents will honor their children’s adulthood, foster their independence, and respect their marital boundaries, thereby giving their children the opportunity to establish strong marriages. As married children shift their primary loyalty and strive for independence, they will be able to enjoy satisfying adult relationships with their parents and, having truly left home, experience the joy of being one in marriage. (Richard B. Miller, "For Newlyweds and Their Parents" Ensign 2006)

As we try our best to raise well adjusted adult children, we could do well to let them have the space they need to grow and flourish in their own relationships and they try and navigate their way as best as they can.

Leaving the Nest

Brother Richard Miller stated in "Who is the Boss Power Relationships?"was that "When children become adults, the relationship between parents and children changes. In healthy families, the parents no longer exercise control or expect their adult children to obey them. Of course, parents still have the right to set household rules concerning appropriate behaviour in their house, but they no longer have the right or responsibility to tell their adult children what to do. It is now the stewardship of the adult children to make decisions concerning their own families"
I think this transition may even be more difficult than that of having a baby. When you have to let your child go and no longer have them under your control or authority, it is really difficult to think about your grown child being in complete control of their own lives and their own choices, but it a must if you are going to carry on a healthy relationship with them. As parents, we love our children desperately, but we must let them grow and progress and take a more supporting role in their lives if they are going to have a life that is full, rich and independent. I hope that as my husband and I watch our children blossom and grow into productive adults (hopefully) that they know we have full confidence in their decision making abilities and that we want them to succeed.

"Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families" Richard B. Miller, PhD, Conference on Family Life, March 28, 2008

An Expression of Love

Sexual Intimacy is a sacred topic that I feel isn't discussed appropriately often enough. When we are married to someone who honours and cherishes us, sexual intimacy is an amazing expression of love. When we engage in that expression, our marital bonds are strengthened. President Spencer W. Kimball said: “Sex is for procreation and expression of love. It is the destiny of men and women to join together to make eternal family units. In the context of lawful marriage, the intimacy of sexual relations is right and divinely approved. There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that means men and women join in a process of creation and in an expression of love.” (President Spencer W. Kimball, The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball [1982], 311)
Although it's important, sex is for more than just procreation. Women soul purpose is not to have child after child, although mothering is divine and important. President Gordon B. Hinckley stated “I am offended by the sophistry that the only lot of the Latter-day saint women is to be barefoot and pregnant. It’s a clever phrase, but it’s false. Of course we believe in children. The Lord has told us to multiply and replenish the earth that we might have joy in our posterity, and there is no greater joy than the joy that comes of happy children in good families. But he did not designate the number, not has the church. That is a sacred matter left to the couple and the Lord."( President Gordon B. Hinckley "Cornerstones of a Happy Home")

I think that a healthy sexual relationship is key for a husband and wife. It's what sets you apart from being so much more than just "roommates" or "mom and dad". Giving of ourselves sexually to our partner is the ultimate sign of trust, and when we do this within the bonds of marriage, we are blessed with a deeper connection and fulfilment in our relationship.

Say no to Gridlocking and yes to the Atonement

If there is one thing that I am either blissfully happy about in my marriage or totally unaware of any major issues, is the principle of being "gridlocked". Typically throughout this course, I have agreed with a lot of what I have read, but I am happy to say, and my partner has agreed, that this weeks lesson is not the norm in our household. We are blessed to have a pretty great relationship where we are pretty accommodating to each other's desires because we sincerely care about each other's happiness. It is a two way street that's for sure. It really is just a question of recognizing each other's desire, holding open and honest conversation, coming to an agreement on what to do in any given situation or scenario, then follow through. I am grateful for my partner's ability to read my emotions, to listen and to react in a positive way.

Gottman said "About 35 percent of the men we've studied are emotionally intelligent". I would say that most women are "emotionally intelligent", but we all need to make a more solid effort to increase in our own emotional intelligence. "Men who are willing to accept influences are happily married" is more than fact. So what is accepting influence? "Accepting influence is an attitude, but it's also a skill that you can hone if you pay attention to how you relate to your spouse... when you have a conflict, the key is to be willing to compromise." I thought that one of the inserts from this week's reading is very insightful. It reads "More than 80 percent of the time, it's the wife that brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn't a symptom of a troubled marriage - It's true in most happy marriages as well." Showing spousal trust is so important, and I think that we can bring that split down from an 80/20 split to 50/50 if everyone puts forth a greater effort in communicating and being honest and up front.

When I think about the ability to compromise, and to stay away from "Grid locking", or at least overcoming the grid locking arguments that plague marriages, I can't help but think about the atonement and the deep partnership that Christ has with each of us. We are able to overcome anything through the depths of the atonement, and with His help we are able to overcome feelings of despair, frustration, and anger which hold us back from our ability to look to our partners and compromising what we may want on the surface for the good of our family. When compromise and bending occurs, we are able to "keep peace" and create opportunities for trust to grow.

I am so grateful for an amazing partner that I can trust. I really feel like our partnership is great in this, but I am happy to compromise. Beware of pride and get over yourself - Let's stop grid locking and start compromising for the sake of good and happy families. In digging around a little I came across a great article from the ensign back in 1990 by Elder H. Burke Peterson. Click the link below for a great read.

https://www.lds.org/liahona/1990/06/unrighteous-dominion-in-marriage?lang=eng

Something that stood out to me from the article was the following: "Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership. A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision agreeable to both is developed." (Peterson, 1990)

I look forward to a partnership in peace for eternity. Say no to grid locking!

Anger and Forgiveness

As I read this week’s material, something that I really noticed was the tendencies of the natural man. So often we are fighting against ourselves. I loved James E. Faust’s thoughts on forgiveness. He said “We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us “to forgive all men” for our own good because “hatred retards spiritual growth.” Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts.”

Until we rid ourselves of the angry thoughts in our hearts, we cannot move on and have the peace that we all desire so desperately.

James E. Faust also discussed Dr. Sidney Simon thoughts on forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

Think of the time, effort and energy we waste caught up in anger? It’s such a waste! If we are keeping it real here on the blog, I wasted an entire day at the cottage being angry at my spouse. I could’ve moved on and forgiven him and apologized myself, but I stewed about it the whole day and ruined our last day of real summer vacation. He had booked a really nice hotel for our anniversary without telling me and I was mad because of the cost and wanting to have a quiet evening at home. It was definitely a learning experience for me.

James E. Faust, “The Healing Power of Forgiveness” General Conference April 2007

With Suzanne Simon, Forgiveness: How to Make Peace with Your Past and Get On with Your Life (1990)

Humility is the Opposite of Pride

Pride is the opposite of humility and humility can heal a lot conflict within a marriage. When we are prideful, we have an elevated sense of self and think that we know more than our spouse, and this can cause problems. We can look to many sources for help, and the prophet's council is a great place to start. President Benson is a prophet that I remember well from my youth, and reading his words brought a familiar peace and comfort. A quote that stood out to me was when he said, “Think of the repentance that could take place with lives changed, marriages preserved and homes strengthened if pride did not keep us from confessing our sins and forsaking them” – Ezra Taft Benson (Beware of Pride, May 1989) I believe that we can apply this wise counsel to our relationships with our spouses. 

Even though our marriage is strong, but that does not mean that we are free of those little pride games that can sneak into a relationship. I will at times ignore my spouse and get caught up in being right. I will give a cold shoulder and hold a grudge for an hour or two. I am also guilty of having a hard time learning from my partner. I need to work on this. I get over things quickly, but I have realized I have a prideful streak I need to work on. When we realize our own short comings, we can improve. 

I am grateful for any opportunity I have to learn and grow within my marriage. There is a lot of things in this life that are not worth my time and effort, but my marriage and family are something that is worth investing in. It's eternal, and if I want an eternal marriage that's gonna last, it take effort and I am willing to give it all I got.

Sharing Interests

I read a really touching story this week about a woman who went on a fishing trip with her husband to Alaska. This was not a dream of hers or something she was particularly excited to do, but her husband had wanted to do it for a long time. So they went, and the experience made them stronger. It was a story that stuck we me because my husband is really wonderful at taking the time be interested in my hobbies, music, tv shows etc. but it doesn't always go both ways. He loves to dirt bike, and it doesn't appeal to me at all, so I rarely take an interest in it. When reading this story, I thought about how happy my husband would be if I took more of an interest.

In "The Seven Principles of a Happy Marriage" Dr Gottman states "Conversational patterns of interest and respect, even about mundane topics are crucial to happiness. Couples who turn toward successfully maintain a 20:1 ratio of expressing interest or acknowledgement vs. ignoring conversational gambits. This is referred to as the emotional bank account. Couples who are highly successful keep a 5:1 ratio in conflict discussions, even Turning Towards while arguing."  This is a crucial part of a successful, happy marriage.

Martha Arnell shared this in her story about her husband's experience in Alaska: "When I awoke in the tent the next morning I felt strange with large swollen ears and eyes. I luckily had brought some over-the-counter allergy medicine, which helped somewhat with the swelling. But the greatest help was the blessing I asked for from my husband that morning outside our tent. He enjoyed his trip greatly, a life-time experience. I didn't complain and survived my bitten face."

References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2018). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. London: Cassell Illustrated.
"Fishing in Alaska" Martha Arnell